Written December 22, 2023
I think I’m getting a little looney in my old age.
Does anybody else do this? Does anybody else talk to themselves, especially while driving, and rehearse conversations you anticipate having in the future?
Or maybe, do you rehash previous conversations, restating what you truly meant and hope the other person understood?
I catch myself doing this more and more often, especially when I feel stressed or anxious about specific conflicts. It doesn’t matter if those conflicts have been resolved or are still ongoing; I will re-talk them through over and over in my head.
We’re rolling into the tail end of December, which means it’s the last week of first semester: finals week. My stress level is pretty high due to various factors, including all the holiday hustle and bustle that everybody has, plus I’m shouldering the stress my students are carrying. I encourage them to come visit me during our hour-long lunch period just about every day of the week so that I can provide individual tutoring, but of course, being teenagers, they tend to only take advantage of that offer the day before the module closes. And that covers that majority of students.
Don’t get me wrong – I love helping them succeed and I’m always so pleased when they start to get it. I absolutely love that moment when they realize they are not only capable, but they also receive the satisfaction of submitting that assignment and watching their grades go up. THIS is one of the biggest reasons I love what I do.
However, I find I haven’t had a lunch break for the past three weeks. I’m behind on grading, I haven’t planned a thing for next week, I am seriously suffering from question fatigue, and the kids just KEEP COMING. One day, I hid in a colleague’s room during lunch just so that I could have a moment to catch up a little bit. (During that time, three teachers popped in and let me know kids were outside my door, looking for me.) Another day, I simply closed and locked my door, lowered the window covering, and ignored when somebody knocked. I hate not being available when a student is sacrificing their time to come see me, but I simply needed a little break.
Also, I have just about run out of patience for some students’ behaviors. My sophomore classes this year have quite a few characters, and I’ve just about had it with their disrespectful and entitlement attitudes. (I won’t go into detail here, but I will say that I’ve never in over a decade of public education had this many young men and ladies treat me directly with this level of passive-aggressive nastiness. If you’re a teacher, you know that it’s actually easier when a kid loudly challenges you in class because you can specifically call out the inappropriate behavior. When a kid does things quietly, like talking under their breath, glancing at a neighbor’s test, waiting until you walk away to whisper to a friend, or sighing and rolling their eyes, it’s tougher to identify and hold kids accountable for that behavior. It’s also exhausting. And the gaslighting!!! It’s like they think they can lie to you about what you just saw and heard with your own eyes and ears!)
I’ve been trying to handle these behaviors by asking myself, “What would Jesus do? How would Jesus respond?” Most of the time, I find a way to respond with kindness and love, and I think it’s actually been working! I was seeing some turnaround in student behaviors, but all of that went out the window the last two weeks of the semester. Why? Probably because the kids themselves were stressed and they just don’t know how to handle it except to project their feelings and blame onto anybody but themselves.
After a particularly difficult day of trying to prepare students for final exams while dealing with these behaviors, I was simply pooped. It’s exhausting to stand your ground and stick with the rules and expectations over and over again, whether it’s in a face-to-face conversation, an email, or an all-out confrontation in front of a class. Even the highest mountain will eventually be worn down to nothing. Luckily, that afternoon, one of my best friends was visiting from out of town, and we had an hour to catch up. This is a woman who has guided me through my walk of faith and who I strive to be like in so many ways.
As we chatted, I asked her if she ever talked to herself like I described above. She said something that really has me thinking:
“When you talk to yourself like this, you are anxious. When you’re anxious, you’re not giving whatever ‘it’ is up to God.”
I was floored.
She was right. So right.
I was holding on to the past and clawing toward the illusion of controlling the future. She knows that all I want to do is God’s Will, so she gracefully held this mirror up for me, and I’m so glad she did.
So, the morning of the last day of the semester, I was praying. Fervently. For God to take away my anxieties. Every time I started in on a conversation with myself, I stopped myself and prayed, “God, please take this away. I give you my anxieties. I know you’ll make something better out of this than I ever could.”
Mind you, I had to do this repeatedly. Sometimes within 90 second of the previous prayer.
I was struggling. The swirling vortex of anxiety kept pulling me right back down. I needed help. I opened my Bible app to check out the day’s devotion. It was about praise.
I did NOT feel like praising right then. I felt NOTHING like this beautiful lady.
But, I kept reading. I listened to the short devotion. I read the verses and the lesson. I prayed. Then I did a prayer devotion. Then, my husband and I did our daily morning devotion (which, coincidentally, also referenced praise). Yesterday, I needed Jesus.
I finally got myself to a place where I could smile.
I headed in to school. Right away, my sweet freshmen students started walking in, getting settled for their final exam. They’re great kids, and I was grateful that I got to end the semester with them. They aren’t perfect, but man, I love them. They are often that balm to my soul after a morning with sophomores.
Just as I was handing out the final exam, an older student walked in and made some immediate demands. Again, I wanted to help her, but her requests would take several minutes to gather materials and complete. She obviously felt she deserved my attention first. She stood over me with a narrow look. I shuffled a couple of papers together, then glanced up at the 25 students staring at us. All of them, waiting to start their timed tests. I can see their wide eyes in my mind right now. And time was ticking away.
“I’m sorry, but you’re just going to have to give me a minute,” I said.
She huffed and continued to stare me down.
I looked up at her. I wanted to help her, but then, I looked out at my class again. While she stared me down with an angry look, those 25 faces were waiting patiently with just a dash of pre-final apprehension. In that split second, I heard the Holy Spirit’s whisper in my ear. I made a decision.
“Look, I have 25 people sitting here just waiting to start their tests, and we are using their time right now. You’re just going to have to give me a minute.”
The student was absolutely dismayed that I wasn’t helping her RIGHT THEN, at that moment.
“You’re welcome to have a seat,” I offered.
She huffed, stormed out of the room, and slammed the door behind her.
A moment of silence passed.
I looked out at my freshmen from behind my desk.
They were stone quiet, eyes as big as saucers.
It was that kind of quiet a class gets when they know that the teacher was just majorly disrespected, and they’re just waiting for the explosion.
I’m ashamed to admit that I had no control over what came out of my mouth next.
“I LOVE MY JOB!” I yelled, throwing my hands in the air.
I bent over and covered my face with my hands, not sure if I was laughing with delirium or bursting into tears.
I shot back up. “I just LOVE my job!” I yelled again. “I LOVE it that I get to come here and help students and then get treated like this!”
My hands went back to my face.
I was so angry I was shaking.
I did NOT feel like praising Jesus right then, but Lord, I am soooooooooooooo glad you prepared my spirit the way you did before school! I’m not sure what would have popped out of my mouth if you hadn’t pushed me to prayer and praise that morning!
I took a breath. I looked up. Those sweet kids were still stone quiet, just looking at me with big eyes, waiting to see what would happen next.
“I’m so sorry,” I began. “I’m so sorry if that upset you and you are now even more anxious about taking this test. You are all really great people and you don’t deserve any of that stress.” I took another deep breath. Get it together. I looked at their faces again, trying to forget what just happened.
“We’re going to get started here. Any last questions?”
The moral of the story?
Well, I’m still figuring it out. Maybe it’s that God knows what we need before we need it and by pushing me to praise when I felt like doing anything but, He was giving me the medicine I needed. That praise was my preventative vaccination.
Maybe the lesson is that I should stop worrying so much, and just focus on the amazing gift of the baby Jesus, this birthday we will celebrate in just a few short days. Maybe it’s that I need to work harder to hold students accountable for their actions. Maybe it’s that I need to draw firmer boundaries regarding my time during the school day so that I don’t get so burned out so quickly.
It’s probably all of those.
But most importantly, dear reader:
Which moral did YOU need to get out of that story?
If you got something, then all of this was worth it.
Merry Christmas, dear reader.
Comments
One response to “Praise as Medicine”
We all have different perspectives. They come from genetics, our environment, and a host of other places. My perception of the situation with the rude student is that it was a test. I am a retired commercial pilot, and if I allowed a rude or selfish passenger, flight attendant, air traffic controller, or anyone to distract me from my prioritized task of the moment, I have failed the test. It is in my nature to be more abrupt than you, maybe because of the more immediate and violent results of allowing distractions into my work space, but I likely would have given the student my most authoritative Captain face and voice, and said, “Beat it!”